About Wayfinding

In late September 2021 I learned that I have advanced ovarian cancer. Just prior to the diagnosis, I had taken early retirement and completed a training program to start a career as a massage therapist. Ironically, I was planning to specialize in oncology massage. I was seeking work that would have a direct and meaningful connection with people, work that would require me to use my body as much as my mind and heart.

I am doing this now. I am finding my way through a diagnosis and treatment and whatever may follow that. Before, I would contemplate mortality and imagine the circumstances of my death with the emotional distance that accompanies speculation. Now that my circumstances include a diagnosis with grim statistics about 5 year survival rates, emotional distance will often contract into unfiltered fear, sadness, and grief. And then. I notice I’m still alive. My body is healthy in all ways, apart from the cancer. I am living now. I have cancer now, and I am fully alive. That is what matters. I am walking forward in total darkness, as everyone is, not knowing when or how I will die. I will die. I am alive now. So that is the only way to keep walking this path. I am finding my way through this precious life. I do not need to look out for or find my way toward death. It is always waiting at the end of the path. I am not there yet. So today I keep walking.