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This beautiful collage hangs next to my bed. It was made for me by one of my best, most intimate friends, MCB. She is an inspired poet and writer. The collage was made and offered to me years ago, long before we imagined our journey this year. I love the message of it. I love …

The next chapter

Abundance of fungus on a dead log in the arboretum. The proliferation of fungus always calls to mind a malignant spreading disease. Yet fungus thrive on a dead host. And cancer is killing me, an otherwise very healthy host. In defiance of cancer's disorder, I am holding fast to the beautiful balances of gravity and …

Destiny and the Respite of Here and Now

Prairie sunflower, Arboretum, July 4, 2022 Over eight months ago I learned I have advanced ovarian cancer. Today, over three months after completing treatment, all evidence of the disease is medically gone. Last week I had a few out of body moments, watching myself "live my life" knowing that the following day I would have …

Back to solid enough ground

Arboretum, June 28, 2022 My existential angst has come up against the drudgery of making sure clinical staff have reviewed my chart. The day before my scan a nurse called to go over my premedication for the scan. Me: "What premedication?" Nurse: "Benadryl and dexamethazone, like you took before." Me: "OK. I think there might …

Light and Shadow

June 26, 2022, 5:16 pm, Arboretum. The language around cancer is filled with cliches, metaphors, and pithy, made-up words, and medical shorthand. Scanxiety. Chemo-brain. Dx (diagnosis). Tx (treatment). "Cancer sucks." The "rounds" of chemotherapy slide into the metaphor of a boxing match--still swinging, etc. The "battle with cancer" shows up in a lot of obituaries. …

Finding my place in the world

I don't know what this ground cover is. Each spring, it returns to carpet the wooded area behind my little neighborhood. Early this week I delivered myself into the hands of the interventional radiology team who threaded a guide needle to a spot on the top, right dome of my liver, just underneath my diaphragm, …

Limbo

The view this morning from my back porch. I am back in limbo. I had anticipated (such a dangerous word) that the scan just one month following my last treatment would be clear and serve as a baseline for future monitoring of the disease. Instead two spots, one on my liver and one on my …

The disordered genius of the aftermath

Cancer is deadly because its growth is unregulated by the life and death around it. In healthy multicellular organisms, apoptosis (programmed cell death) occurs when the cell is no longer needed or is posing a threat to the organism. Signals to initiate death can come from inside or outside the cell. The signals activate enzymes …

Destiny and Surrender

Close up of the coronal and sagittal suture joints on a deer skull. The suture joints of the skull remain unfused well into adulthood for humans so that the brain is not compressed as it grows. Functionally, the joints must be very stable to protect the brain, yet mobile enough to permit growth. Hence the …

A new path

Feathers and flowers in sunlight. I've completed frontline treatment. The protein marker used to track the presence of ovarian cancer has fallen into the normal range. I am almost completely healed from the surgery in January. This week I'll weather the side effects from chemotherapy. And then...see what it is like to live with a …

Body Love

Earth from space (NASA). How I have related to my body parallels how many have related to the planet. I believe we might all be nested universes. I've spent most of my life treating my body as an object, a tool, to use in order to achieve my goals--having fun, working, attracting attention, hiding from …

A wall of tears.

Is it scary to read that title? Please don't be scared. It is my wall. They are my tears. I am fine, even when my weeping leaves me feeling less human and more elemental, like a wave or a waterfall. The phrase and image--a wall of tears--came to me in a single moment almost a …

Coyote Trail

Coyote trail in the snow Two days ago in the late afternoon, on one of the most bitterly cold days of the winter so far, a coyote limped across my front yard, along the side of my house, and over into my neighbor's backyard. In the morning I had noticed a narrow trail across the …

Turning toward the light

Midwinter midwestern marsh I love this time of year when the northern half of the planet is inexorably turning back toward the sun. The darkness is deep and contracting by minutes each day. The frozen granules of soil and ice crystals are doing groundwork, acting on the seeds native to this climate, so that they …

Trypanophobia: trypano (puncturing or piercing) + phobia (fear)

Opossum tracks in the snow in front of my house last January. This particular creature was living under my neighbor's deck. I feel an affinity for a creature that adopts a false death as a strategy for survival, and then promptly reanimates once the danger has passed. Up until almost eight years ago, I had …

The solitary work of self care.

I've taken a break (mostly) from reading research about ovarian cancer. Instead, I've been exploring the difficult feelings--terror, grief, vulnerability, shame--that have come to attend my illness. The second and third chemotherapy treatments are completed. Each one has brought more and more healing. The symptoms from the tumors are almost undetectable. Without the distraction of …

Liberating a mind from imprisoning beliefs

The small manBuilds cages for everyoneHeKnows.While the sage,Who has to duck his headWhen the moon is low,Keeps dropping keys all night longFor theBeautifulRowdyPrisoners. ~Hafiz During the third week after my first chemotherapy treatment, I became filled with energy. I could move and eat with more ease because the chemotherapy reduced the distension of my abdomen …

A frightening diagnosis and an embarrassment of riches

In late September 2021, I learned that the digestive symptoms that had been plaguing me for two months were not due to diet or stress. I have advanced ovarian cancer. As I write this, I have already started chemotherapy to reduce the size of the tumors in my abdominal cavity so that the debulking surgery …